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going the angela jolie route. ...

According to the cancer doc my type of breast cancer is aggressive. .. which made me realize that I had to take action. She told me a lumpectomy and chemo is the same as a masectomy and no chemo. There is still a chance it'll be in my lymph nodes. They are assessing that monday. But I'm doing my best to avoid chemo and radiation by getting a double mastectomy. I'd rather live than decide that keeping my beautiful breasts is more worth living. .. you see I hhave no interest in being the lead in a movie where I get to nobly die of cancer. So I asked my facebook friends to name my beautiful breasts. My left non cancerous boob is the beautiful hannah, named after the daughter bill never had. My right, cancerous boob is now named Elizabeth, after the daughter I never got to have or name. So this weekend I am saying goodbye to my beautiful boobs. I have a lot of supportive friends and lovers pulling for me. I'm looking forward to the mext phase. Healer and long lived age ninety six. May it be so.

the dreaded c word

apparently early find & clean margins make it less scary given we have beeter technologies but there's definitely a lot of extra stress in my life right now. I found a lump in my breast two weeks ago. there was none in january. Last wednesday I got a full spectrum biopsy of the lump- it's cancer. some scary SHIT! Master was with me when I gotthe call- He shook when we cried together. I've been tokld early detection is a goodthing. you can bet I'll feel my boobies every day at least once from now one once I survive this damn thing.
a lt tired ofthe universe fucking with me. stroke... two bouts of bels palsy... and now this? cmon universe!cut mne some fucking slack!

tough times indeed.

Lot going on. The breakup with buddha (aka blaisepascal on here). Awkward and weird....
My mom had a small stroke which cascaded into a much larger stroke that affected (killed) the entire right hemisphere of her brain. Given the nurse's description on the phone? I don't think she will survive. ... but even if she does? This persistent, engaged, passive aggressive, loving, stubborn person will never be the same. My brother emotionally abandoned her roughly four years ago. I had hopes that he would fix his karma by doing right by my father. He apparently decided to go back to north carolina yesterday. ... just as it's getting excruciating and might call for a funeral service.
To top it off. Bu and I had an exchange where I almost begged him to use the car and he didn't budge and acted as if my hour of need was an inconvenience to him. Not entirely sure how I feel about this. ... but thankfully I have support. Anyway... I'm going to Rochester with my Master and my dear friend rob is driving me to syracuse on Thursday. So yeah.... life marches on... or not.....
See you on the flip side.
Last weekI had an intense fight with my Master (we weathered the storm of his fuckup & we're ok now).

I was provided the space & willingness to let me be in the right & yelled at him with energy & intensity. I was actually pretty impressed by his willingness to accept his fuckup as his fault & that I was absolutely correct to be furious at him- He let me be mad... despite the baggage of his first marriages making him terrified of abandonment...
In fact, transcending his fears was what got me to tell him I loved him when I was trying so hard not to tell him (like way way too early- a month into the relationship! yikes).
thanks to gankgank I managed to get over my abject terror of scaring him away by admitting what I felt... (oddly enough at a party! *lol*)

The intriguing thing is our relationship intensity hasn't dimmed much- it's settled a lot since we started talking about my moving in (roughly a year ago). Truthfully it evolved pretty naturally- He offered me to have a room & I started bringing my books over- He said "You know if you want to move in I'm ok with it but you must know I tend to fuck up once I live with women (the bagagge of his first two wives)....
So he told me that...He's kinda psychic actually- I never knew I wanted to move in until he said that- I just thought I wanted a place to put clothes because I was sick of the suitcase tango...

The chronic relationships issues with my vanilla primary & I were having eventually came to a head when he got a new girlfriend. He told me he "liked" her on okcupid & then "poof" they were essentially in a primary relationship... only exaggerating the feeling of being ignored a LOT already.. It's not her fault at all- she's pretty awesome, considerate & kind & adorable to boot *lol*. But we didn't have a firm foundation anymore (I won't go into high details here but trust me there are a LOT of details that he was made perfectly aware of after I lost my temper when he chose to basically blow off my attempts to spend the weekend for his birthday (which I thought would be a good thing for our relationship... he didn't agree)....probably on both sides of the equation.....)

as Life goes- I was avoiding telling him my thoughts because I was worried I'd lose a financial investment I made since 1996, essentially paying a mortgage of 85 thousand down to a 6 thousand mortgage & I kept up ith the taxes until my stroke occured by having a renter. He kindly decided NOt to sign a quit deed claim form. and I'm very grateful for that. PLus I was sad thta I would hurt him....
The only big problem with this house is the roof leak.. which isn't my fault but has gotten much worse since the stroke (I bo longer could climb the roof & cover the leak with plastic...

We had a friendly & practical conversation on how to handle this slow move... but I'm so glad we could be kind to each other. I agreed to give him a week's warning when I'm going to Syracuse & expressed comfort if he wants to sleep in the bed with me (trust me it's only sleeeep *lol*).
Eventually we'll turn the bed my first husband & I built together for 3 years beforwe got married into shreds that will improve the back yard to quite a large extent... and I'm relinquishing the negativity of keeping the bed & essentially keepingthe negativity of my first marriage in my life- It will get repurposed into something udseful & decorative. I also woke up with a vision as to how to redesign my wedding ring into a sun/moon yin yang pendant or maybe an emblem that's re-purposed for my altar which I will have in Syracuse.. a symbol of expecting more of myself in a relationship. I needed to learn how to speak up for myself effectively. This is a skill I probably still need to work on but after that fight I feel a big change in me occured.

Ithaca is a wonderful place.. but the job market is not suited for people like me- plus the kink community is fairly disconnected & I findthta frustratying as well. It's been 24 years & I have yet to find a career path. I do hope that syracuse is ripe for a pt assistant who is compassionate & patient & excellent at working with seniors.
I also intend to do vocal coaching on the side & once I finally finish my reiki training I will become a full reiki instructor & start looking for individual students. I do believe & trust that the universe will provide me with what I need.

Master is a good man & makes me happy- when we are in the same space there are some issues but all relationships have issues, don't they? My recent ex is also a good msn but our issues prevent us from growing together as a positive, thriving couple. My hope for him isthat he finds joy with his girlfriend- she's a smart, sweet, gentle & intelligent young lady. May they find joy. If we (ex &" me) are meant to become a secondary relationship? the universe will create the opportunity for that to happen. Just not living together- which is good with me ;)
I will miss him... I hope he proceeds proceeds with love, respect & joy. He is an excellent person- he has integrity- a kind soul & a monstrously intelligent mind :). I am now blessed with a dear friend with a gigantic streak of awesome!
There once was a Man with a Dingus
was terrified of cunnilingus
when brought up He shook
& tried not to look
said quick sub! now servus My thingus!

He was blessed with a subby who yearned
asked questions and wanted to learn
look dear He said, just service My **** Head
or purple your bottom will turn!!!


Thanks aunty ace lightning for my virtual bday gift. You rock! :)



Being poly And D/s? Is a combination which I am finding cumbersome.... That is all....


It's amazing the insight I find when my period begins....  Some D/s stuff.  Master refers to Coz for those who don't know who I've been wearing a collar with for the last year ;-)
Here it is:
I've discovered as of late that I have a boundary issue. My childhood pattern of friend.  "friend" discovers that I am bullied.
"friend" takes a powder, leaving me wondering wtf happened. Middle school and all through my childhood, this happened, making me feel inferior and not likeable.  Now, as an adult? I intellectualize this pattern and try to figure out why I try to hold on to friendships that haven't served me, don't make me happy and don't feel I deserve to be surrounded by people who truly love/like  me.
Why don't I think I am good enough? Because my life experiences have taught me that I'm not. Sure...  I have love and I absolutely deserve love....  But I have these ingrained habits to expect rejection and not expect to have loyal friends or lovers.  Master knows about this deep insecurity in me and thankfully he respects and even admires me.  Wow....  What a life changing perspective about myself.  I'm so scared sometimes that the miracle that is him will just vanish and that it all will have been some fanciful dream...  Learning to love myself is what I have to do.  Scary shit!
I am worthy of respect...
I am worthy of love....
I am worthy of joy....
I am worthy of peace....
I am worthy of power....
I am worthy....
May I create worthiness for all with my thoughts and deeds....


I dobt it will make any kind of difference

but I just confronted Steve with the fact that I am fully aware that he emailed connie with my venting post.
He'll probably just bluster about how he did the right thing. I'm guessing he honestly thinks he is in the right about breaking lj protocol by giving a post verbatim to a person who isn't in the live journal community wgho I never intended t read my post & by sending the post out he created unnecessary angst & drama.